I sent my youngest off to school today. I expected he would return happily
to his school and be excited to see friends. What surprised
me was he was nervous, feeling scared and really wanted to stay with Mommy. He
grabbed his bag, his coat and announced he would not be going to school. I felt
my heart well with compassion, as in that moment, I too wanted to run for the
hills. To keep him close with me and hope that my love would be enough. That
school perhaps was an unnecessary element of his life.
I was surprised by my reaction, as I have been doing
school for a long time now. Home schooling doesn't seem like such a crazy idea
when your heart is pulled in such genuine ways.
I thought I would relish a few hours to myself, but
instead I sat practically catatonic looking at old photos and wondering where
the time has gone. The old fear of "my babies are getting older" scares me a
bit. We have had such an amazing experience together this summer that I did not
realize how hard it would be to say "good-bye."
To assure him that school is a good place, we make special plans for lunch after..
Mommy will be waiting, I infuse into my last hugs. The only full promise
I can give as he takes one more step into the world of his making. "I love you"
I whisper as he agrees to go in. "Mommy always comes back" is my last assurance
that all will be okay. I leave as tears well and my heart strings pull. Love
this deep is amazing and terrifying at the same time. I choose to walk forward,
not looking back, and wait to be together again soon.
Now I sit watching each minute ticking by, desperate to
not be late. I am first in line at the preschool, waiting to make
sure he is okay. Sure enough he is smiling and pleased to share that he had an
awesome time. What a relief. We giggle, share and head off for a celebratory
lunch. I am amazed with him and am totally enthralled with his tales of the day.
What a wonderful feeling to be present with my child and share in these early
Getting unbusy on purpose has been a process. I'm here to share some of what I have learned and the tales of its making.
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